back to writing and living

It has been a while since my last blog, July, 2011.  Wow, I haven't written for more than year!
I don't exactly know where and how to start.  So much has happened and didn't happen in 2012 and as 2013 began.  Some good but mostly sad and not so good.  So many losses and disappointments.  Boy, did I learn so many things, some even the hard way and really big time.
So many options, sometimes it gets so confusing and exciting and scary and heartbreaking all at the same time.
I didn't know that aspiring for work-life balance can be difficult.  Now that my family relationships are getting better, my career is starting to take a three hundred sixty turn.  I don't  know if that's good or not.  It's as if my midlife crisis is starting so early. Oh my, does that mean my life expectancy is that short? It should be alright because I don't want to die too old.  Growing alone has suddenly become dreadful.  Years back, I was confident that growing old alone is okay because I have my best friend with me.  But I don't about that now.
Oh well, every day is a new hope.  Another start, just hoping you won't screw up and be better.  But if you make mistakes yet again, never stop learning.  When you stop educating and improving yourself, it's like slowly ceasing to live.
So now, I want to start living again.  And as a first step, I blog again!

Jan. 30, 2013
12:56 am

a blessing or a curse?

i don't know if this is normal or bizarre. i always has this ideal of the one.  i know in this modern day setting, it is kind of absurd to hold such standards.  i don't know if it's just me.  but i look for that certain connection with someone.
i tried losing that standard.  but it became some sort of quick fix and even worse, led me to a traumatic experiences.  maybe i shouldn't settle for something less than what i deserve.  it's got to be the one, the one who i know, the one who i can trust my life with, the one who can see through my eyes, the one who can discern my complicated mind, the one whose soul can be free with mine, the one who will always be there and gives without asking.
i haven't had such connection with anyone in a long while. i don't know if i will again have that with anyone.  well,  none as of yet.

dust yourself off, kid!

i  have done a very stupid mistake this time.  but i'm gonna clean up this mess, fix whatever is left that can be saved.

others say, it's embarrassing when you get hit real hard and fall heavily on the ground. 

but i say, stand up, cough out the blood, wipe off the dirt on your face.  start kicking and punching again.

ouch!

i would like to think i'm a good person.  i have made many friends over the years.  i'm loved by my family.
but yes, i 've made many mistakes in my life, many stupid ones, in fact.  i've offended some people knowingly and unknowingly.
i often have good intentions, i try to as much as i can.
but sometimes i get misunderstood due to my wrong decisions and indecisions or for the lack of courage or words to verbalize.
is it wrong to feel anything less than rational or pragmatic or practical?  am i wasting my time?  should i just stick to things that are mechanical and base all on reason?

Epilogue 2

Smoke fills my lungs and it's getting tired day after day. 
Coffee has failed to stir my senses. 
Alcohol flows in my veins only to leave my mouth drier each night. 
I drown myself with work. 
Yet I'm cerebrally blank. 
My heart beats faintly for anyone or anything. 
I wanna feel again that connection to something that can blow me away. 
I miss what makes me race to all that is amazing. 

blurry screen, blank monitor, frozen mind 
blood-shut eyes, static fingertips, numb heart 
unrequited longing, unquenchable thirst, unfathomable emotion 
stop...breathe...focus... 

(june 29, 2010)

breathtaking

Down there was among the most beautiful places I've been to.

And just before the last ascend, I saw the silvery sunlight shining on water;  It was an "almost" perfect view.

As I came out of the water, I saw the most beautiful smile while I tried so hard not to show my own.

Whoa, it surely blew me away!

I took a second or two trying to freeze that sort of cinematic moment, relishing the feeling I may never have a chance again.

Then I walked to shore, trying so hard to stay still as I sat. I tried to speak a word but there I was again, tongue-tied and mesmerized.

And that moment was perfect (at least in my mind, though briefly it may be).....

(dec. 31, 2010)

scaredy good, scaredy bad

this year, i've tried many things i thought i am not capable of.

been in different islands, beaches and cities.

rode on various modes of transports wherever i went to (cars, buses, tricycles, airplanes, boats, skateboard, etc.). slept in hotel rooms, houses, huts, cars, planes, tents, hammocks, tables, wherever possible during my travels and weekend escapes.

discovered new crafts and rekindled old arts that i am passionate about (photography, writing, culinary, skateboarding, etc.).

done wild things without even thinking if it might injure or kill me. ranging from downing endless submarine shots in the bars or underwater to countless taking of "trial & error underwater photos" to enjoying snorkling despite having almost zero swimming skills.

it's all about hanging loose and conquering your fears. it felt good after surviving the dreadful activity. not minding the bruises from climbing up & down a hill just to take a dip in a serene lake or watch a majestic view. enduring accidental cuts from corals or the exhaustion from climbing 700 steps to get to the top of mountain (and then back to the starting point below).

but the most dangerous of all these adventures is the inescapable quest they call love. been in and out of this treacherous journey. drank it like a bitter sweet elixir (and even vomited because of it). now, it's luring me to plunge into its abyss again.

it's as if i'm in the long line for a rollercoaster ride or a 10 feet high cliff......plunge or walk away?

as they say, "the best feelings in your life come when you start feeling good after you've been feeling awful."

maybe scaredy good or bad.

what the heck? 1, 2, 3.....WOOOHOOO!

fall and catch

Everybody deserves to be happy. We just decide from whom we want to derive that happiness and whom to share it with. It will be a blessing if both of you want that same thing.

If that won't happen, at least, for a time you felt that happiness with that special person and you let her know that she matters by trying to make her happy as well.

There's also a difference between liking and loving someone. Liking someone entails conditions. Loving someone doesn't require if's, but's and because's. Just be ready when you get into both levels.

When you finally jump despite the odds, know that there's no guaranty that she'll be ready to catch you as you fall or to take the plunge with you.

Ready for these three words? TRUST, BELIEVE, SURRENDER....

papercut, oxymoron!

Papercut, Oxymoron!

Destiny has its ways of playing its twisted and excruciating game of joy and pain.

I thought (and probably even told some friends) that I was ready to face all the risks and cast away all the “what might have been’s”. I was ready to believe.

So I finally managed to muster all my guts to pose the much-awaited invitation. And luckily, as if the whole universe conspired, my invitation was instantly accepted.

To have the honor of that one night was more than enough for me. At least, in my world, it meant something. Ok, it was special. It made me happy and ecstatic for a moment.

For a brief time, someone made me feel a good mixture of emotions – the sweet laughter, butterflies in the stomach and some weird form of electricity. It has been a while since I last felt all that.

And to feel that someone cared or at least be concerned when you are having a crappy day, that was something I don’t get everyday. I felt my heart again.

Yes, what I felt was anything but ordinary. But here’s the dilemma. To be honest with what I feel or just keep everything to myself until all the emotions have been emptied? Do something about it and follow through or just forget the hell about it? Is this a blessing or a curse?

Everyone who knew might call me anything – coward, stupid, whatever.

So what? I got scared. Not of rejection. I’m numb with that already.

My fear is greater than that.

I’d rather walk away, keep everything locked down and forever wonder about the “endless possibilities and what might have been’s”. I don’t wanna be the miserable jerk who gambled it all and lost big time a really good friendship.

I choose the lesser evil. What the fuck?

So there, end of story…. Everything starts and stops there at that one wonderful night.

Time has its way of healing…..

(3:30 AM, Jan. 18, 2009)

the one

How often do you find the right one?
One? Only one?
Once? Only once?
Do you let the right one go away or do you ever chase at all?
Do you just let the once in a lifetime chance pass you by or do you ever notice?
Do you ever know it's the right one?
Who? When? Where? Why? How?
I don't know. I guess I haven't found the one. Not yet.
Or if I ever did, I never knew it was the right one until the chance was gone.
Or I thought it was the wrong one?
Or it was the wrong time?
So I never found it.
Or probably I don't want to be found.

(dec. 4, 2008)

cook book for life

i wish there's a cook book for life that will tell us what to do, what right things to do. but ultimately, it's the recipes that we come up with that spice up the choices and actions that we take. only when someone takes and tastes what we offer that we'll find out how bitter or sweet life is.

amazing

This life is filled with many ambiguities. Nobody ever said it is easy. We all have our doubts and fears. We often experience frustrations and sadness over lost causes and loves.

But despite the busy and fast course of our everyday existence, we sometimes find ourselves in a standstill. There is this longing for that thing that we do not possess or have not found yet. That phenomenon which makes us feel truly alive and inspired.

And when the universe conspires, it usually happens during the time we least expect. When you meet the one, amazing person you were silently praying for. When you can definitely say that the long wait is worth it. When you are finally sure that is what and whom you wanted and more.

All the vagueness turns into clarity. There is just trust that sharing your heart with this person will make you safe always. There is only hope that this love will truly make you the happiest.