papercut, oxymoron!

Papercut, Oxymoron!

Destiny has its ways of playing its twisted and excruciating game of joy and pain.

I thought (and probably even told some friends) that I was ready to face all the risks and cast away all the “what might have been’s”. I was ready to believe.

So I finally managed to muster all my guts to pose the much-awaited invitation. And luckily, as if the whole universe conspired, my invitation was instantly accepted.

To have the honor of that one night was more than enough for me. At least, in my world, it meant something. Ok, it was special. It made me happy and ecstatic for a moment.

For a brief time, someone made me feel a good mixture of emotions – the sweet laughter, butterflies in the stomach and some weird form of electricity. It has been a while since I last felt all that.

And to feel that someone cared or at least be concerned when you are having a crappy day, that was something I don’t get everyday. I felt my heart again.

Yes, what I felt was anything but ordinary. But here’s the dilemma. To be honest with what I feel or just keep everything to myself until all the emotions have been emptied? Do something about it and follow through or just forget the hell about it? Is this a blessing or a curse?

Everyone who knew might call me anything – coward, stupid, whatever.

So what? I got scared. Not of rejection. I’m numb with that already.

My fear is greater than that.

I’d rather walk away, keep everything locked down and forever wonder about the “endless possibilities and what might have been’s”. I don’t wanna be the miserable jerk who gambled it all and lost big time a really good friendship.

I choose the lesser evil. What the fuck?

So there, end of story…. Everything starts and stops there at that one wonderful night.

Time has its way of healing…..

(3:30 AM, Jan. 18, 2009)