a blessing or a curse?

i don't know if this is normal or bizarre. i always has this ideal of the one.  i know in this modern day setting, it is kind of absurd to hold such standards.  i don't know if it's just me.  but i look for that certain connection with someone.
i tried losing that standard.  but it became some sort of quick fix and even worse, led me to a traumatic experiences.  maybe i shouldn't settle for something less than what i deserve.  it's got to be the one, the one who i know, the one who i can trust my life with, the one who can see through my eyes, the one who can discern my complicated mind, the one whose soul can be free with mine, the one who will always be there and gives without asking.
i haven't had such connection with anyone in a long while. i don't know if i will again have that with anyone.  well,  none as of yet.

dust yourself off, kid!

i  have done a very stupid mistake this time.  but i'm gonna clean up this mess, fix whatever is left that can be saved.

others say, it's embarrassing when you get hit real hard and fall heavily on the ground. 

but i say, stand up, cough out the blood, wipe off the dirt on your face.  start kicking and punching again.

ouch!

i would like to think i'm a good person.  i have made many friends over the years.  i'm loved by my family.
but yes, i 've made many mistakes in my life, many stupid ones, in fact.  i've offended some people knowingly and unknowingly.
i often have good intentions, i try to as much as i can.
but sometimes i get misunderstood due to my wrong decisions and indecisions or for the lack of courage or words to verbalize.
is it wrong to feel anything less than rational or pragmatic or practical?  am i wasting my time?  should i just stick to things that are mechanical and base all on reason?

Epilogue 2

Smoke fills my lungs and it's getting tired day after day. 
Coffee has failed to stir my senses. 
Alcohol flows in my veins only to leave my mouth drier each night. 
I drown myself with work. 
Yet I'm cerebrally blank. 
My heart beats faintly for anyone or anything. 
I wanna feel again that connection to something that can blow me away. 
I miss what makes me race to all that is amazing. 

blurry screen, blank monitor, frozen mind 
blood-shut eyes, static fingertips, numb heart 
unrequited longing, unquenchable thirst, unfathomable emotion 
stop...breathe...focus... 

(june 29, 2010)

breathtaking

Down there was among the most beautiful places I've been to.

And just before the last ascend, I saw the silvery sunlight shining on water;  It was an "almost" perfect view.

As I came out of the water, I saw the most beautiful smile while I tried so hard not to show my own.

Whoa, it surely blew me away!

I took a second or two trying to freeze that sort of cinematic moment, relishing the feeling I may never have a chance again.

Then I walked to shore, trying so hard to stay still as I sat. I tried to speak a word but there I was again, tongue-tied and mesmerized.

And that moment was perfect (at least in my mind, though briefly it may be).....

(dec. 31, 2010)